Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
