If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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