If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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