She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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