So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
