This dress was meant to end up on your floor
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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