So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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