Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
