I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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