Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
