I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I feel like abortions should bother me more
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
