Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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