Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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