Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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