Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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