Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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