get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
