apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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