We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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