What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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