i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
