The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
