All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
