Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
