I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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