Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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