last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
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