When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
