There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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