I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.