Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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