I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I wear drunk well.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
