Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
