Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
