I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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