You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
