I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
