Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
