How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
