I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
