I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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