I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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