Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
