Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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