My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
