we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
