He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
