I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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