Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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