I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
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