it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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