Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just high enough for therapy.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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