the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
