Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize