I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
