There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You just made me feel so damn special
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
