my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
