I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize