It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
