Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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