Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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