Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
