His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
