I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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