So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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