So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
