areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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